Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
