Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
