That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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