well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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