I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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