My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
