i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
