I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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