So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
