We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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