well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready