Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
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I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!