I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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