Apparently you make a good broom.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"