Texts From Last Night

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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet

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  (506): it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet http://tfl.nu/6nks
  Replies (9) Good night (1005) Bad night (4398)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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  (313): I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere. http://tfl.nu/eett
  Replies (40) Good night (1076) Bad night (12237)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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  (613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1
  Replies (35) Good night (12163) Bad night (1363)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..

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  (319): For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july.. http://tfl.nu/uo05
  Replies (3) Good night (1183) Bad night (2775)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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  (240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690
  Replies (48) Good night (4285) Bad night (1561)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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  (972): I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip. http://tfl.nu/tlq7
  Replies (12) Good night (2017) Bad night (1328)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.

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  (563): I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer. http://tfl.nu/sbgi
  Replies (3) Good night (2540) Bad night (992)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

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  (615): We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers. http://tfl.nu/6a3z
  Replies (6) Good night (2268) Bad night (908)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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  (402): Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains. http://tfl.nu/xruv
  Replies (8) Good night (1482) Bad night (566)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.

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  (302): Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos. http://tfl.nu/r9f5
  Replies (1) Good night (614) Bad night (346)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?

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  (217): Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices? http://tfl.nu/ss4x
  Replies (0) Good night (815) Bad night (338)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  me + whiskey = a bad person

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  (512): me + whiskey = a bad person http://tfl.nu/4d99
  Replies (0) Good night (586) Bad night (323)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool

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  (816): In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool http://tfl.nu/q94y
  Replies (1) Good night (506) Bad night (230)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?

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  (505): you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...? http://tfl.nu/tcmz
  Replies (0) Good night (308) Bad night (359)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.

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  (904): I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler. http://tfl.nu/oxai
  Replies (2) Good night (419) Bad night (166)

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