do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My cat gives me a boner
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.