Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
