3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
