I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
