Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My ass is underappreciated
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
