i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
