My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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