We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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