Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
