Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
