i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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