OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
