I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
