I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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