After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
