I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
