"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
