You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
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Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
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Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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