Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
