Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
