update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
