I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
