Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
