remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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