Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
