She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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