dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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