sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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