If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
