don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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