Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
