i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
