Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
