I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
