i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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