i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
