sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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