Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
