saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
