I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
