Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
not ubering you a puppy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
