I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i drank out of a bidet.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
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