saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
