This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
