Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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