I puked a lego.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
