he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
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I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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