i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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