I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
