Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize